So! You’re a libertarian!
As you begin your journey to promote liberty online, and become a fully-fledged libertarian keyboard warrior, here are a few simple lessons to make it easier and more effective for you.
Every single one of these is derived from extensive research and study of the online libertarian community and as such, is guaranteed to be the only way you should act to be able to ensure libertopia comes to pass:
1) Insult and patronise anyone who disagrees with you: Once you have insulted someone, and publically demonstrated your intellectual superiority through a trite facebook post, they will have no choice but to agree with you and convert. The beauty of this strategy is that you don’t even need to engage in any sort of argument or debate; simply write up the insult, and watch the conversions flow! Bonus points if you can call their argument a ‘fallacy’ (no need to back it up, just using the word itself will ensure you win). Be as “edgy” as possible, and make sure you go out of you way to insult everything your opponent believes in, because then they will think you are ‘cool’ and will start agreeing with you.
2) Never read anything you disagree with: Why bother exploring other points of view, or trying to see the point your ideological opponents are trying to make? What is the point, when, while talking to them, a simple insult (see rule 1) can suffice? Limit yourself to memorising key libertarian texts, and never venture beyond. And just in case you are ever accidentally exposed to another point of view, remember: STRAWMAN STRAWMAN STRAWMAN! Statists can never defend against what they don’t actually believe, so spare yourself the trouble of learning what they think, and strawman instead! It’s a foolproof plan!
3) NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES develop an interest or social circle outside of libertarianism: having personal interests, or ‘friends’, will only distract you from spreading the libertarian message. What’s worse, being friends with non-libertarians will make you see them as human, and, once you see their point of view, will make you weak and willing to compromise with them. The entire concept of friendship is clearly a communal plot to attempt to destroy individualism, and must be opposed with all our power.
4) Explain to everyone they would be a libertarian if they knew more: It is obvious that the only way for people to become libertarian is for them to spend 3 years studying Austrian economics. Until someone has done that, why even bother taking them or anything they say seriously about politics?
5) Learn the power of copy-paste: Why waste your time thinking for yourself and coming up with an argument, when you can simply copy-and paste a section from Rothbard? We can never improve on the libertarian greats from the past, so why even try? RELATED: Use the power of CAPS LOCK: Show people you are SERIOUS! Capitalise all important words like FREEDOM in anything you write!
6) Libertarianism demands insulting social mores and other people: Free speech is not an abstract concept. Libertarianism demands we prove it every day. We don’t only have a right to offend people, we, as libertarians, have a duty. If you don’t exercise your free speech to go out of your way to offend people, then they clearly won’t respect you and will never become libertarian. If you don’t act as a total jerk, then you are not a true libertarian.
Also, If you’re not living life as a libertine, taking advantage of every freedom you may want, and aren’t smoking crack every day, then you are a flake. Because being a libertarian means doing everything a libertarian government would permit. Without exception. Anyone who tries to argue for the importance of social mores and norms of conduct is only pretending to be a libertarian.
7) Use libertarian jargon when talking to non-libertarians: It is essential when talking to non-libertarians that you drop as many references to the NAP, ‘arbitrary lines on a map’, and ‘criminals in uniform’ as possible. By constantly using language that no-one you speak to will ever understand, they will obviously see the superiority of libertarian thought and convert. This is especially effective if you can throw in derogatory terms like “sheeple” and “lamestream media”
8) Fight the most extreme battles you can find: If you aren’t spending your time arguing for polygamous couples to own nuclear weapons to defend their heroin processing plant, why do you even bother?
9) Dedicate your life to fighting the impure: We all know the real enemy aren’t the statists, it’s other so-called libertarians we only agree with 99% of the time. If we dedicate all our time and energy attacking them, we will be assured of a true libertarian paradise when it arrives. NEVER under any circumstances attack socialists – other so-called libertarians are the /real/ enemy
10) Remember that we are always robbed: The only reason Ron Paul didn’t win the last election was a conspiracy. Keep reminding everyone of that. It is obvious that if it were not for the media, Republican Party, and the government overall conspiring against us, Ron Paul would be present. People love hearing this, so make sure you keep repeating it as often as possible.
Once you have mastered these 10 rules, you will truly be a libertarian keyboard warrior.
So congratulations! Go forth into the interwebs, and use these lessons to advance the cause of freedom!
And remember – never actually do anything other than argue online. Because engaging in the political process is the surest road to statism.
Because remember: You can never, ever sleep while someone is wrong on the internet.
Other suggestions I have been given that warrant inclusion here:
” if you find yourself backed into a corner by logic and are unable to argue your way out, the absolute trump card to end all trump cards is: “well I think if we just let the market decide then the market would agree with me.”
“2A) if (God forbid) you break rule 2 and accidentally find your eyes glancing over something you aren’t supposed to agree with, under no circumstances EVER think about what it means. Just understand that it’s wrong and revert to rule 1.”
“I’d rewrite 7 as “the prize for being the purest libertarian is a mobile weaponised seastead, where an elite breeding pair will begin the population of libertopia. Direct all your efforts to demonstrating why you deserve this more than anyone.”