Tim On Love & Marriage

Before I begin this post, I want to make one thing clear: this is my personal blog. If you wish to read me on political matters, there are pleanty of other avenues for you to choose. For U.S. politics, go to Americans for Tax Reform. For libertarianism, read me at Thoughts of Freedom. For politics generally, try Menzies House. This is a personal blog, and, as such, I have the right to use it to degenerate into whatever personal drivel I feel like. Deal with it.

So, if you follow this for political commentary, and do not want to hear the neurotic ramblings of a very, very odd individual, stop reading now, and instead go to the aforementioned sites; there’s a lot there worth reading. Just stop now.

So anyway (I shall now whinge away).

There is a good chance I will be returning to Australia in approximately a year, or perhaps even less than that. And, coinciding with that, is the fact that I realise  I am getting old. In fact, in a few years, I will be hitting 30. Which is a rather scary prospect in and of itself, but, what worries me more are the future implications of this.

Because, sometime soon, I will need to start to think about my personal long-term plans. And marriage is something that does kind of does figure into this. So here is my problem. And, you know, I think for me at least, it’s a rather big one.

Those of you who know me well know that it will be an impossibility for me to marry someone who is not overtly-political, nor from a centre-right persuasion (as much as I like political differences in relationships (simply agreeing with someone gets far too dull), considering I wish to dedicate my life to advancing free-market ideals, someone who shares my passion and drives me on to at least some extent, would be required)

Yet here’s the thing.

If you are interested in politics in Australia, and of the centre-right framework, you join the Young Liberals/Liberal Students. I mean, there is no other avenue out there for you. So, essentially, if you are in my ‘dating pool’ you are a YL.

And, um well, to be blunt, here’s the problem. I think it’s fair to say I have met every female in the 20-30yo age bracket who is actively involved in Liberal politics in Australia (heck, there aren’t that many). And…um… yeah.

See, my issue is one of statistical distribution. Let’s say I have a ‘suitability checklist’ of 10 points. And, well, it isn’t so much that no-one I know reaches 10, but rather, that everyone who is a Young Liberal is in the 1-4 range (with maybe one or two exceptions that hit a 6). Please do not take this as a slight against my friends in the party; my female friends are great people, and I love them dearly; it’s just that, well,  my taste in females is odd, to put it mildly. So I happily concede the fault is mine. It’s just that, for my future happiness and all that, this spells somewhat of a problem. Because what this  means is, as per any statistical distribution, when you have a scenario where everyone in the present pool, using over 7  years of data, scores  1-4, the chances of getting an outlier of 10 is virtually non-existent. I mean think about it. If you’re searching for a 10, and everyone is 1-4, what are the odds that a 10, or even 9, will appear? A thousand to one? Ten thousand to one? Most probably even more than that. It’s simply a question of probability and numbers, and from that perspective, I’m kinda screwed.

I know much of this is because of my most perverse criteria, I am fully aware it is my own fault, but it really is not something I can help; it’s just that if I want to have a successful relationship that lasts long term, it would be with a particularly insane kind of female. And one who just does not appear on the scale.

I mean sure, a 10 score is most probably impossible (after all, the final point “will you make me happy” is somewhat mutually exclusive to points 1-9), but it would have been nice to have had some hope that there was someone at least close to it. But no. And it’s not like there are people who are even close; even the highest scoring people I know are miles away on my ‘checklist’. Which, to stress the point, means the probability of someone who fulfills these criteria is almost infinitesimal.

The bell curve doesn’t lie, and it bodes ill for my future.

So there we are. And, as much as I try not to think about it, I am faced with recognizing the possibility that I am going to spend the rest of my life alone.

And that scares the shit out of me.

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14 Responses to “Tim On Love & Marriage”

  1. Kate Carruthers Says:

    Perhaps it’s time to widen the selection pool (either by gender or politics)? Have you even considered the notion that it is possible to find happiness with someone who has different political beliefs?

  2. TKB Says:

    …seriously?

    this is why we need to go back to matchmakers. none of this whiny picky nonsense!

    think of marriage as a virtue building exercise. the lower your wife’s ‘suitability checklist’ score, the more virtuous you’ll have to be! everybody wins. it’s foolproof.

  3. Nick Says:

    I empathise with your plight. While there’s nothing wrong with spending the next 20 years looking for the woman of your dreams, you may find that if you broadened your search a little, and accept that a bit of give and take will be required, love will come into your life when you least expect it – and sooner than you imagined.

    As for the loneliness thing – when you worry about spending the rest of your life alone, you are, in fact, focusing on something that would actually be very difficult to achieve. Loneliness often gets confused with solitude. The former is something that requires conscious effort and a desire to live a desolate existence; while periods of the latter are vital to maintain one’s sanity in this crazy world.

    You’ll be fine. And I’m pretty sure you won’t be alone. Just remember this – ‘life’s so short and gone before long, so don’t live one of regret; there are no strangers here in our world, only friends we just haven’t met.’

    All the best!

  4. LMC Says:

    A good Martin Luther quote: “Finding a devoted, loyal wife or husband isn’t a matter of good luck. It’s not the result of good judgment, as unbelievers think. Rather, a devout spouse is a gift from God.”

    The same God who has always protected and provided for Tim will continue to do so. And if it is His plan, He will provide you with a spouse in His own time. God is never late.

  5. Ben Says:

    Your average Canadian man marries at 32.8 – 32.6 (Italian men); 30.6 (Australian men); 32.6 (German men) and 33.6 (Spanish men). So join the international club Tim!

    I also read somewhere that there are 92 million singles (18 and older) in America (42 percent of all U.S. residents). The numbers game is probably no different here in Australia. Anyways, the point is that you’re not alone, or even a little weird mate.

    The good news: some people actually learn to enjoy being single (for good and bad reasons). But, that said, I’m sure you will find a lovely lady Tim. For now though, enjoy being single, or leaving the toilet seat up before you tie the knot.

  6. Kieran Says:

    I think the problem is with your assumptions.

    – You assume that a woman who meets your checklist will make you happy. I very much doubt it. As a species we are just not that good at predicting the future. Of course I can only speculate, but it is common for people to hide behind checklists. Once you exclude someone using the checklist you don’t have to take a risk and ask them out.

    – You assume that all women who meet your criteria are YL’s. Yet you yourself have posted about how it is an intellectual backwater. I’m confident that there are women out there who you could be happy with who aren’t YL’s.

    You need to stop pigeon holing and convincing yourself that you know what makes you happy and get out there and find out what/who makes you happy.

    (Posted by someone who has a list and is single)

  7. David Wagner Says:

    First, you might take some consolation from a young lady’s remark that I recently saw ReTweeted: “I think I’ll start dating gays. Seems they’re the only men who want to get married.” So, peel away the irony and you’ll see that just by being a straight guy who wants to get married, you have made yourself a very desirable “one in ten thousand” from many young womens’ point of view.

    Second, I would echo the remarks of others who say you may be leaning a little too hard on the “must by YL” factor. Of course political harmony is “in play,” as we say, but consider this. You say that “if I want to have a successful relationship that lasts long term, it would be with a particularly insane kind of female.” Why not re-tilt the prism so that the key filtration factor becomes “particularly insane”? Think of the possibilities in that community!

  8. Cait Says:

    Your best bet is to stick around here. American women love your accent (me excluded, of course. I think that sort of thing is shallow). Perhaps you’ll meet someone who is into other things in addition to politics. What do you like to do besides swirling brandy while trash-talking the latest bill to hit the senate floor, hmm?

    All joking aside, you’ll find someone, Tim. Don’t be so quick to dismiss the next girl who walks into your life… and if you really want to play the numbers game, people are living longer these days. There isn’t a rush to pair off like there used to be. Nick is right. You may have to sacrifice a couple of points for her. It’ll be worth it in the end.

  9. Jake the Muss Says:

    As I said privately stop being a bloody idiot.

    She doesn’t need to be politically perfectly aligned to support your agenda/life goals. You don’t know love.

    You need to live, you can’t checklist a woman into your life. You need to live a woman into your life.

    And for god’s sake broaden your horizons. As I said privately I can think of 5 girls in the YLs who are rootable.

  10. Rachel @ Musings of An Inappropriate Woman Says:

    Tim, I think your problem here can be summed up in two words: “suitability checklist”.

    You don’t need someone who fits a whole bunch of criteria – you need someone who you like (although yes, I appreciate that you developed your list of criteria as a means of determining whether or not you will like them).

    It is tricky to fall in love when you think differently to most other people (and I say this as someone who relates – for example, I don’t think I could be with someone who didn’t share my attitude to work), but the first step is to spend your time hanging out with – and seeking out – people who “get” the things that are most important to you on a platonic basis.

    Other than that, I echo the thoughts of Kieran and Cait.

  11. Tim Andrews Says:

    I think people are failing to realise that ‘checklist’ was intended to be metaphorical

  12. Nathan Lambert Says:

    Tim,

    There’s some more well-known maths in this area — the so-called “Secretary Problem” and its variants:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_problem

    The key result is that you should search for 30%-40% of your allotted search time and then choose the best option after that. This minimises the risk that your preferred option will be one you rejected earlier.

    Nathan

  13. Jake the Muss Says:

    37% is wrong.

    Rejected applicants can be recalled.

  14. Seriously Says:

    Tim what makes you think that your “dreamgirl” would even be interested in you? Or does your checklist include someone blind and deaf? Take my advice the first girl that makes a pass at you, take it you most likely won’t get another opportunity

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