It is always amusing to look back at your earlier self, and to be able to laugh at various follies you once indulged in. And, as October/November seem historically to be the time for “introspective Tim”, I thought I’d pull something out of the archives, so we can all have a good chuckle at young, naïve & foolish Tim.
Back in late 2003, for a bit of a laugh, I decided to create a 100 question online quiz to see if someone was suitable to go out with me. All my friends ended up doing it (and, to protect their careers, I’ll refrain from mentioning names and scores). The test, alas, is now gone, but it actually was quite an accurate predictor of how I felt about people, and a few days after I put it up I wrote a short note explaining what was some of the thinking behind it.
Now, note this was back in 2003, and I have changed quite a lot since then. The whole protesting, pot-smoking, hippy part is most probably a relic of the past… but other points…Perhaps the most dissapointing thing for me, in fact, is how little I have evolved as a person since then. At times I feel 2003-2008 I was stuck in a personality-freeze. But that is a topic for another post.
Anyway… decide for yourself… and laugh with me at young, naive and rather silly Tim.
“Now that this test has been posted onto the internet, not an hour goes by without me being mobbed by hordes of screaming girls, throwing their bodies at me, screaming “Tim! What do I need to do to be the one for you? Tell me, oh great one!”
Well, perhaps not quite. But I did think it a good idea for me to write some notes at least on what I am looking for in the female species, and, more specifically, to explain what exactly my perfect girl would be like. Firstly though, allow me to make one note. The current average score in my test is in the high fifties. The highest girl scored is 77. The reason for this is that, in my opinion at least, many of the things I look for are somewhat mutually exclusive; if you do well in one section, chances are, by the very nature of the way humans are structured, you’ll do badly in others. I seem to have a somewhat warped taste in what I look for! The following paragraphs are rambling, and unstructured. Perhaps I shall, one day, convert the free flowing crap here into something coherent. Perhaps not. We shall see.
The greatest problem for me, however, is what I doubt [sic] the Marx Factor. Graucho Marx had the famous line that he’d never want to be a member of a club that would have him as a member, and I think that that applies somewhat in my situation. By definition the person who I’m looking for would, in the vast majority of circumstances, be repelled by my sort of personality, or fine me dull and boring, or something like that. There is a long standing joke in the Young Liberals that I want to go out with a dirty leftie (hence the pun on Marx Factor), which is, well, rather accurate, but unfortunately, I doubt many dirty lefties would want to go out with a rabid righty! But more on that later.
I think the greatest problem with the female species is that too many of them are perfectly nice girls, but, well, pleasant and that’s all there is too them. There are so few people out there who can actually capture me, can stimulate me, can actually think! There is a vast gulf between those who are smart in the traditional sense, do well at school, are perfect parrots and so forth, and those who actually know how to think. For me, an intellectual challenge is important, and a girl may be better than me academically, but if there is no challenge provided, no stimulation, then what is the point? A relationship should be a living, moving, evolving thing, where you grow off each other, yet, if it is static, how is this to occur? Without the passion, fire, and brimstone involved, what is the point? Yet so many people are content to sit placidly, to smile and nod demurely, and be content with their own mediocrity. I realise that this may well sound incredibly arrogant, but bear in mind that I’m not saying being a “nice” person is bad, but rather, not what I am looking for.
I think that’s why I generally prefer people on the political “left “far more than many Liberals. Liberals are, by their very nature, generally conservative, whereas I’m an intellectual radical. I look at protests and think “that’s cool”; most other Liberals shake their heads in shame. A perfect example illustrates this. I was walking down Newtown with Scott one evening, and there were a group of lefties smoking some pot on the roof. My reaction? “that’s cool” Scott’s? “For shame.” Hence in a large way I am drawn to people of the political left because, I would argue, many of them do hold true passion and conviction, and are willing to fight for their beliefs, and not swallow what they are told (this is genuine lefties I’m talking about, not the Trendoids).
It ought not be a great surprise for anyone to discover that I’m attracted to artsy type, green-voting, Newtown-living girls. The reason, of course, should be rather obvious, ie the fact that I’m attracted to the part of my own personality that I wish was developed, in many ways I’m attracted to the type of girls who symbolise who I would like to be, as opposed to who I actually am. The part of me that would have liked to have done a BA, studied literature, was smart enough to appreciate poetry, watched theatre more and so forth. One of the problems, of course, arising from this is that the girls who are attracted to me (and yes they exist, even the moment surprisingly) can not, my definition, be attracted to the latent part of my personality, and thus lack that which I seek. The whole Groucho Marx thing of not wanting a girlfriend who would have you as a boyfriend as mentioned previously. . But that is beside the point. Even if I wasn’t to go out with ‘artsy’ type people, I nevertheless would like some friends who are like that. Because I need something different from the usual liberal/school/law crowd. The question is, how do I find them? And I honestly don’t know.
What I probably want is an old school, absent minded kind of intellectual. Someone who does still see the value of academia, and isn’t just in it all for the rat race. But that is more a flighty fantasy rather than something real. Most importantly though, someone with whom I can genuinely converse. But, if this makes sense, not some sort of wishy-washy vague emotional type, I do want a ‘strong’ woman as they say. Someone who will argue, and be domineering and independent. Not a push over. I yearn for the fire of challenge. The Bristow cartoon on my webpage says it all really.
It all comes down, I think, to my quadrant theory. Under this theory, there are two axis (well, in the proper theory there are three, but that gets juts WAY too confusing…). X is the intelligence one, Y is the “fun” one, and so, obviously, you get 4 quadrants upon which everyone can be placed. The problem, however, here is twofold. Not only is it rather difficult for me to find a girl who is genuinely intellectually stimulating & smarter than me, it seems to me that a good score on X and Y are, well, somewhat mutually exclusive. The amount of +/+ girls out there are, well, very rare I think. Although I could be wrong, and ‘fun’ is, of course, a very relative term… I’m thinking of doing another test for Quadrants, but it hasn’t been created yet…
Perhaps what makes it more depressing is that, for a long time now, there are virtually no girls I know who I am interested in pursuing. There are girls I would probably go out with if pressed, as better than nothing, but, as a general rule, there is no-one out there who I know upon whom I should even exert an effort in trying to seduce, which, I think, makes it a lot worse.
The side effect here is that pretty much the vast bulk of my social life these days revolves around member of the Liberal party. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love all these chaps, but DEAR GOD A WANT A BREAK FROM THEM! Liberals, despite their differences, all share numerous similarities. And I want a change, a break – some friends who aren’t so f**king conservative! Even my school friends, my law friends, all share that one characteristic. And, quite frankly, I need an outlet for the side of me that wants something else.
But, c’est la vie.
Anyway, can’t be bothered expanding upon this. Will do it at some later date though. If you think you fit the bill, drop me a line!”
Much has changed since then, but the Marx factor of seeking the unattainable, the unlocking the latent personality, and the distinction between who one is, and who one wants to be, has not.
Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose…
(PS: If anyone has the temerity to write something so God-awful in comments like “you’ll find someone one day”, then they shall be permanently blocked from my blog. Just saying)