The OFFICIAL GOP Sex Scandal Betting Zone

*Note: The following post and betting odds contained within are still in DRAFT form and not-finalised. No bets may be taken at this stage and nothing from this post may be quoted at this time*

So. In the last week we have seen two major sex-scandals rock the GOP. First Senator John Ensign, Chairman of the Senate Republican Policy Committee, and then South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted to having affairs (the latter involving great tales of mistresses in Argentina). As Grover Norquist stated, it does indicate that men who oppose federal spending at the local level are irresistible to women.”

This, however, is clearly but the beginning of a trend. With two down in the last week, there are surely many more to follow. Being a good capitalist, I fully intend to take advantage of this fact, and so, following extensive consultation with DC’s ultimate political insiders, I present to you, the one and only, official betting pool for the Next GOP Affair!

That’s right, the next affair, the next sex scandal, the next overseas trip for love – if you think you know who it will be, drop me a line and place a bet! Please note, this is is not for who has an affair and gets away with it, but rather, for who shall be publicly  exposed – and the odds take this into account. I had intended to use Family Research Council or Focus on the Family Congressional Ratings as some sort of risk modifier here, but couldn’t quite think of the best way to do it.

The betting pool will obviously fluctuate as the market demands, but, here is the current value of each bet:

Charlie Crist $2.75
John Boehner $3.25
Arnold Schwarzenegger $4.10
John Thune $6.20
Norm Coleman $6.50
Patrick McHenry $7.00
Rick Perry $8.80
Marco Rubio $9.10
Eric Cantor $10.15
Judd Gregg $12.00
Jeb Bush $15.75
Sarah Palin $17.95
Jeff Flake $18.00
Michele Bacchmann $19.50
John Shadigg $22.65
Mitt Romney $23.50
Mike Pence $24.85
John Cornyn $24.90
Paul Ryan $25.00
Rick Santorum $26.10
Tim Pawlenty $27.15
Jason Chaffetz $31.50
Susan Collins $36.35
Jon Kyl $39.10
Lindsey Graham $44.60
Haley Barbour $47.50
Jim DeMint $48.50
Sam Brownback $52.00
Bobby Jindal $68.15
Tom Tancredo $88.00
Mike Huckabee $97.50
Ron Paul* $101.00

Your bet is valid until June 1 2010.

Please note, the following persons are ineligable, by virtue of already having had an affair:

Newt Gingrich
David Vitter
Mark Sanford
John Ensign
Rudy Giuliani
Jim Gibbons
John McCain**
Larry Craig
Mark Foley

To make things interesting, there are a few bonuses:

DOUBLE BONUS: If your pick has a relationship with someone of the same sex, you get DOUBLE the payout!***

TRIPLE PLAY: You can pick two people from the list as a ‘couple’. If it eventuates the two of them had an affair with each other, you get payouts for both, with the total payout then TRIPLED!

QUINTUPLE PLAY: Identical to triple play, but both parties are of the same genbder.

Also, if I’ve missed someone who YOU think should be a contender, drop me an email and I’ll be sure to amend the book.

So, what are you waiting for? You’ve heard the rumors, you know what you think, so let me know and place a bet!

*Ron Paul would have to be consciously aware that he was having an affair or engaging in sexual activity for bet to pay
***Does not include bets placed on Gov. Crist or Sen. Collins

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: This blog post does not represent the views of my employers, my associates, or my friends. I am a total social pariah and for the sake of this disclaimer, have not consulted anyone in formulating this post nor do I actually associate with anyone whatsoever. Furthermore, this post is intended to be taken in humorous fashion, I am not setting up a gambling ring as legally defined. If any random people I don’t know sand aren’t part of “the movement” start coming up to me in the street asking to place bets, I shall deny all knowledge. Similarly, no implication is to be made about the sexuality or sexual activity of anyone placed on this list. For the purposes of drawing implications, you may assume all numbers are randomly chosen. Essentially, please don’t sue me.


5 Responses to “The OFFICIAL GOP Sex Scandal Betting Zone”

  1. Chris Says:

    I think you should remove those that have already had affairs (Mark Foley would be a good example of this). I would further suggest that in the cases of Governor Crist or Senator Collins, a double payout would be justified if it turned out they had an affair with a member of the OPPOSITE sex

  2. Ross Grove Says:

    Another shameless attempt to get media coverage. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

  3. Mattie Says:

    Am I one of DC’s political insiders? And Shadegg’s name is spelled wrong. I’m still contemplating my bet…

  4. Stalin Says:

    Chaffetz! That guy is a rock star in conservative circles… usually leads to dalience.

  5. Fred Says:

    Bad luck Tim, the shameless self-promotion is too obvious. Looks like you will have to go to even more extreme lengths next time. Maybe stand on a ledge on a very tall building. Someone in the media might notice.

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