Memo to CPAC Organizers

Following the festivities of CPAC09, many conservative commentators have been asking questions about its role and significance for the conservative movement. Questions like:

* Did CPAC achieve anything constructive, or was it merely rhetoric, empty flag-waving and chest-beating? (ANSWER: Empty flag-waving, but a moral boost is what conservatives need at the moment)

*What is the role that Mike Huckabee should play in the future of conservatism? (ANSWER: Huckabee is a great guy: funny, charismatic, folksy – an engaging speaker. It’s just that, the sake of the movement, he should be taken into a back alley and shot)

*What is the significance of Joe the Plumber as a spokesperson for conservatives? (ANSWER: He’s the world’s first postmodern conservative icon)

Yet there is one question that has not been addressed. One failing that strikes at the core of the problems facing the conservative movement.  One question on a matter that simply beggars belief.


To those of you who were there, you will know immediately what I am referring to from the PTSD support groups that rapidly formed at bars after. To those who were not, I envy you.

Nothing can symbolize more the terrifying possibility of what may befall conservatism if we don’t act now than the crime against humanity that was this event.

So. A memo to future organizers of CPAC. Allow me to provide two simple rules:

Rule 1) If you have people pay $250 for a dinner with drinks, THEY SHOULD GET MORE THAN ONE DRINK! Heck, even if you pay a fraction of that YOU SHOULD GET MORE THAN ONE DRINK! Here you have an ocean of people suffering under the oppression of the Obamamessiah Regime, crying out for a good time to network and socialize with conservatives and you give them only one drink? Two for a few lucky tables? This is not only bad organization, this is insanity!!!

There is a rather great Australian idiom: “he couldn’t organize a piss-up in a brewery” . Well I tell you what, if you can not organize a decent dinner & drinks for conservatives – the most thirsty people on the planet – then it certainly does not bode well for your organizational skills.

Rule 2) DO NOT SCHEDULE TWO HOURS OF SPEECHES during dinner. With no break. And – AGAIN – virtually alcohol. By the end of it, Reagan himself could have come back from the dead and you’d still have a room seething in anger.

Little wonder as soon as they were over there was a stampede for the exist.

Oh, and don’t get me started on things like serving fish as the main (seriously, WTF?) or the cheesy music that speakers were introduced as they came onto stage like some form of televangelist.

Anyway. Alcohol. Less speeches. Got it?

Follow these two simple rules next year and maybe conservatism will turn out okay after all.



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